It's not a recurring nightmare

It's a dream about the same person again again, a symbol of what could have been, if I wasn't pregnant, if I was going home in May, if I was starting a new school year next fall. My subconscious is not on board with me during the day time, and it makes a point to tell me at night. No matter who I smile at and tell I'm excited, my world has turned upside down and I'm looking for new ways to find joy (ways that hide my shame).