Speed Reading

No one remembers you so if they introduce themselves again, just say "it's nice to meet you."

I climbed down the stairs and stuck out my hand for a little lady in a merry christmas, regular sweatshirt: "it's nice to meet you."

It took all of my courage to muster my invisibility as a pressed my shoulders against the white wall. I was in the dining hall of a smoky house era 1960, wearing a brown winter jacket and green Sorels on my feet. A strobe light illuminated the room. I was straight as an arrow, watching people in holiday garb stumble around me. I was there, by myself, haunting a house where nobody would notice me.

I tried to sell my horse today

I tried to give her away today. Luna who has been my steed since I was 14, the chestnut mare with the flaxen mane. There is a classified add with her description. I want feel my hands on her neck. Back when horses were sensual and kind, back when ecstasy was feeling wind on your face.

There is an email in my inbox with her picture in it and a question mark. An arching, aching, question mark. She is your only animal, and all you want is to be good to her. Someday, someone will love her more than me.

I want to move to Peperell, milk goats, and cook myself dinner every night. That was summer. That was Luna. That was galloping up the hill and having to walk her back because she came up lame. I felt myself on her back and saw the earth as it was, and can be no more. No one is as tall as when they are on horseback.

And when you ask me if I will miss it, I can only say yes, I will miss those memories. But knowing that Luna is eating grass in a field and galloping happily in the woods, is the best consolance that can be given to me.

Loosing

I have a nervous stomach ache.

There is a parcel in the corner of my room with a card that I have yet to fill out. What would it say? "I feel you slipping away from me, Merry Christmas," or maybe, "I know you'll be gone soon, Hope all of your holiday wishes come true."

I wish I could take my intuition and drown it in the Merrimack. I wish I could pretend that I didn't notice this feigning interest. I'm all twisted in a knot. Why have I allowed myself to feel this way about someone? I am ruthless...I am notorious...I am about to have my ass handed to me in my own game (I think).

If I was 16 and on the train, I would be loosing at a staring contest with my reflection in the window. If I was 17, I'd been sitting on my hands in the passenger seat of a green Ford Torus. If I was 18, I would be in the cold in a basement, waiting to be noticed.

I'm 19, and I'm walking up a hill, and its cold outside, I'm shivering and thinking about how I would go to the end of the earth for you. I climb up the stairs, I'm out of breath. I knock, Paul opens the door. I go inside.

You are sitting at your computer with a word document open. I throw my backpack down on your bed, and you turn around and smile at me...

You haven't the slightest clue how I got there.

Last Summer

is a confirmed shithead. Whats worse is that I'll probably go through with everything. I'm heartless and evil and I hate it.
10:02 PM Jun 17th from web

Right now I have to go loose another friend. I wish dudes wouldn't get my hopes up about friendships then SHUT ME DOWN when I wont date them
10:59 PM Jun 22nd from web

Didn't go home last night. Being driven to the t then i have work but i just want to sleep!
9:20 AM Jun 24th from txt

6 hour shift. I don't want to be working so much! but at least I'm getting paid mad bills/ i don't have keys anymore.
10:11 AM Jun 25th from web

I'm really sad I lost my keys. I'm really sad that I dreamed about your dead dog. Today feels better but yesterday still stings.
12:48 PM Jun 25th from web

I can't wait to go to CT this weekend. I'm waiting for the shit to hit the fan, its me getting what I deserve after all. It is all for you<3
10:50 PM Jun 25th from web

I'm going to Peperell to feed the horses and milk the goats then fort fuck awesome to see atlas. 3:13 PM Jun 26th from web

Como se dice <3, en espanol?
3:02 PM Jun 27th from txt

I think I've been feeling so mixed up because I'm a jerk. I'm buying rolls of film today. I think I'm gonna take pictures in the rain.
11:54 AM Jun 29th from web

I've got my hands on the one end, and I don't know where to put them :/
2:18 PM Jun 29th from web

Just gave a stranger a ride home from the T under the pretences that he wasn't an axe murderer. He missed his bus
10:31 PM Jun 30th from txt

opening tomorrow. Gonna talk to some cutie on my cell phone before bed. Goodnight!
11:46 PM Jun 30th from web

I feel out of sorts. Maybe I'm just inherently sad. I wish I knew why. I think I'm going to go listen to owen records and do a rain dance.
11:36 PM Jul 1st from web

Maybe if it wasn't raining I could ride my bike, or use my camera. I would know what to do with myself. I dreamed about snow.
10:12 AM Jul 2nd from web

Fuck i should have never gotten in the car with this kid. He's a douchebag and definetely some weird sexual deviant.
10:51 PM Jul 4th from txt

I can't figure out if this kids dick is real or not. It looks like he stuffed a sock in his pants or something. It is bugging me bad
10:57 PM Jul 4th from txt

Oh man it is DEFINITELY a sock. Wow thats so fucked up. I just brushed up against it by accident 11:03 PM Jul 4th from txt

Just met the nicest dude on the train! He was talking to me about the fountainhead. He was so glad i was reading it. Hope i have enough gas
6:09 PM Jul 5th from txt

Rockin' out to nfg of the way back to ct!s
12:35 PM Jul 7th from txt

Bye bye little red car.
2:46 PM Jul 7th from txt

I heard a rumor that my phone sucks, my car is totaled, and i'm quitting ct. And i heard its true. 4:04 PM Jul 7th from txt

I couldn't be sadder about my car. Kate just brought me oreos and chocolate soy milk. She rules so hard.
9:38 PM Jul 7th from web

gonna bake a big fucking vegan birthday for the best dude in town!
3:25 PM Jul 10th from web

new car. my phones ringing off the hook. I'm ALWAYS thinking of you. and I'm baking vegan funfetti cake! I can't wait to ice it
11:02 PM Jul 10th from web

Glastonbury? I had a super wonderful day! Connecticut till monday
10:13 PM Jul 11th from txt

Shaun's house.
1:10 PM Jul 13th from txt

I was played a timpini in that church. Litterally, it was a tribute to musical instruments and i was the timpini!
12:05 AM Jul 14th from txt

has a train in 50 minutes. My hair is starting to make me look like a poison-listening 80's bimbo. And honestly, I'm sort of into it.
2:10 PM Jul 14th from web

oh man, I got there. There is no one else there. Just my big brother telling me I'm wrong to feel this way. I'm a disaster when I'm home.
12:05 AM Jul 15th from web

I wrote him and asked him to tell me about living on a commune and hopping trains. I'm a hopeless romantic.
12:18 AM Jul 16th from web

I wish I could hug you
7:05 AM Jul 16th from web

I'm working 35 hours this week. I hope none of the other employees notice that I'm an hour hogger. Oh well, I don't do the scheduling.
7:49 AM Jul 16th from web

Shaun Harle is my boyfriend and I'm sick of feeling guilty about it. Goodnight
11:07 PM Jul 18th from web

I'm trying to decide on the correct time to drop out of society. Its too soon to tell.
6:08 PM Jul 20th from web

Had the yummiest breakfast with chelsea this morning! Hummus sandwhich and vegan cupcake for lunch!
11:51 AM Jul 22nd from txt

In dunstable. Going on a driving adventure by myself tonight.
7:11 PM Jul 22nd from txt

The woods in dublin new hampshire
9:08 PM Jul 22nd from txt

I'm at boyscout camp
10:02 PM Jul 22nd from txt

had a peanut butter sandwhich for breakfast cause we have no cereal :-(. I love cereal.
7:36 AM Jul 28th from web

Watching moving mountains sound check. Then dinner with mitch. Then train to ct! Then shaun :) finally!
6:18 PM Jul 30th from txt

I am 19 today
12:06 PM Jul 31st from txt

@shauntron. I miss shaun's stupid face already.
11:47 AM Aug 1st from txt

making dinner. swimming with kate. brother!
7:00 PM Aug 5th from web

I want my car back! Btw: cinnamon buns were a huge success! I wish @shauntron was here to eat them all.
2:06 PM Aug 11th from web

So I'm packed for tour! Just need to finish packing for college tomorrow by 2:30! I'm putting away the computer until I go to school.
10:56 PM Aug 12th from web

Out of work! Beginning my journey
4:09 PM Aug 14th from txt

Now, looking back on it, I only really have happy memories. The rest, I've forced myself to let go.