Lies.

Yeah you fucked up, but it's okay.
And I promise you, the sun will shine today.
But if you find you're out of time,
take a second to remember you're always mine.

Silence after Company (It's just you and me, Billie Holiday)

I was inches away from his neck, watching his jugular pulse, when I found myself aching for the strange relationship I shared with my Endocrine System not long ago. I've been waking up everyday with my game face on, but have no found a reason to exist here. There are probably people trained to deal with that, but I still haven't sought them out. No one needs to tell me what I know best.

This is it, staring across from a couch where I hardly exist. I'm watching kids have fun, the same way I used to have fun at the Artspace. They're dancing, pushing each other, laughing, and exploring extroversion. I keep telling myself I've been a part of this, even though I know I haven't been. Maybe, just like Shep, I helped create a place for them. Except, I always believed that I would always have fun with it. I never imagined myself as an adult.

Him and I, we're not friends. We're not anything but some untied loose ends trying to bury memories under new albums, new girlfriends, or, in my case, 2,000 miles. Somehow, I've managed to only see the best parts, but I'm sure he's reminded constantly of my abuse. I'll never forgive myself.

I gave up. I failed a class, quit my jobs, split town, and headed towards the Blue Ridge. When I thought about it, I dug a soft grave of incapacitation. I sold off every part of myself to avoid my pain, the daemon crawling below my skin, and watched myself turn into a pile of ashes. I wonder all the time if I'm strong enough to change. My life is like a cycle, and I'll never stay close to anyone for long. I ran away before I tore through more friendships like a wrecking ball.

This is the conflict, Intimacy VS Isolation.

I couldn't take the silence when everyone left.

GMTFO Haiku

Why wont someone help?
Why is home so far away?
Please help me go home.

Sunflower Seeds (or why I hate cops)

You're probably an anarchist because the law has been unfair to you the way it's unfair to anyone without a hefty checkbook.

I thought about her as an anxious-avoidant baby with dimples. That's probably why I have an A in Psychology AND a meeting with the Dean of Students to discuss conduct issues.

After 8 months, I've reached an end where I no longer have patience for the insincerity of the Upstate. I've stopped trying to make friends, or just be pleasant. There is no room here for individuality. This is everything Ayn Rand feared.

In New England, I was happy, accepted, and surrounded by people who nurtured me. The Upstate is a toxic pool where I am swimming with every daemon, every fault, and every issue I ever tried to wash away. There in no life guard on duty, I am out in the waves all alone, and the sun is almost disappeared below the horizon.

This is the outlaw land to all my childhood rules and lessons.